White Dress

White Dress

It’s funny how events in time can be short yet feel like they pass slowly.  Such as when you feel as though you’ve known a friend forever, but have only just met them.  The time I spent with my best friend when I was younger felt like that.  The days we spent playing in fields or talking until the sun rose lasted for what seemed like years.  I missed that, not having a care in the world.

            I haven’t seen my best friend in years.  After I graduated high school I became too busy to socialize, even with my family.  I had never regretted being busy though because I felt happiest when I was surrounding myself with work.  The time I had spent home this week for Christmas was the first break from school and work I had in a long time.  At the end of the week I was sorry for the secluded way I had been living my life for the past two years.

            After my break as I was driving back to school I was hit by a pickup truck.  The force although powerful, was not enough to instantly knock me unconscious.  I would be lying if I said I hardly noticed what was going on around me.  Although my eyes refused to open, I could see light changes as vehicles passed by.  I heard people talking rapidly outside my window and shouts that were a little farther away.  I felt pain throughout my body and smelled blood.  Someone tapped on my window and was yelling at me, but my body refused to respond.  I felt my mind slipping but I forced my eyes open.  For a moment I saw Sarah, my best friend, in a stained white dress standing in front of my car.  She smiled at me and looked away just as my mind faded.

            The ride to the hospital was probably one of the worst experiences in my life.  I regained consciousness as the paramedics were loading my stretcher into the ambulance.  The flashing lights caused me to feel disoriented and extremely nauseous.  The jostling of the stretcher sent pain throughout my body and the enclosed space made me panic.  The paramedics slipped a mask over my face and stuck needles into my arm.  All the activity was making me extremely anxious and it kept getting worse until I saw Sarah.  She stood at the foot of my stretcher and rested her hand on my foot.

“I’m sorry,” She said, “You’ll feel better soon.”  I felt calmness overtake my anxiety and closed my eyes.  I wondered why we had stopped talking.  We had been such good friends

            Hospitals have never been a place I enjoyed visiting, and being a patient there, although only temporary, made me feel worse.  People visited me today, although I’m not sure who.  I tried to imagine who would visit me.  I couldn’t think of anyone besides my family, I hadn’t made too many friends in college.  I tried to focus on voices but in my drugged state they seemed far away.  I became a little more aware of my surroundings, and although I couldn’t feel pain, I felt an uncomfortable warmth where needles entered my skin.  I recognized my mom’s voice and I wanted to see her so I fought to open my eyes.  I couldn’t force them to open so I gave up and went back to sleep.

            I awoke briefly to see my father sleeping in a chair and hear a nurse at my bedside working by my head.  When she saw my eyes open she smiled at me but then her eyes widened.  She pushed a button and began to frantically work on something.  My vision began to fade and I knew I was going to lose consciousness again so I looked back toward my dad.  As I looked at him I was surprised to see Sarah standing there.  I figured she hadn’t left me yet because she was wearing the same dress.  I wanted to talk to her but she was watching the nurse beside me and the others that had joined her.  They worked with urgency.  Just as I felt a sharp jolt reverberate throughout my chest, Sarah disappeared.

Lying in the hospital bed I felt as though I was on the verge of death.  After the moment when the nurse freaked out over something things have gone downhill.  In addition to needles sticking into my body I have tubes in my nose.  Although I don’t hurt, thanks to the painkillers, I still feel uncomfortable.  It is difficult to breath and my throat feels raw.  I can feel a pulse in my head and opening my eyes causes me to feel dizzy and queasy.  It is difficult to think of anything beside the time which seems to be dragging on.  I don’t hear voices in my room anymore and I don’t blame people for not visiting.  I haven’t seen Sarah since the scare and the only people I have seen recently are my parents.  Even my siblings stopped visiting.

~~~

            Sarah had always been strong and independent, the total opposite of me. I was the quiet kid that never met anyone new unless they tried to talk to me first.  I’m sure my shyness came off as rude and some of the people who tried talking to me were put off by it.  I first met Sarah when I was nine, she was a year older than me but we were in the same Sunday school class at her church.  She had been going to that church her whole life.

“I’m Sarah.” Was all she stated as she took her seat next to me, I replied with my name.  It was all we said to each other for a few weeks but I could tell she always seemed to be thinking, or planning something.  She was always inside her head and I rarely knew what she was thinking about.

            “Do you want to come over today?” It was the longest sentence Sarah had said to me in a month but she seemed so friendly I accepted.  Since my mother and Sarah’s mom knew each other I was able to go.  After then we began hanging out every Sunday and some weeks on Fridays and Saturdays.

“Let’s play truth or dare!” It was always Sarah’s attempt at making me less shy.

“This game always turns out to be you sending me up to some stranger and singing or some other humiliating thing while you get stuck with some stupid question like what do you want to be when you grow up.”

“If you weren’t so worried about me getting embarrassed then you would love this game.”

“I will never love this game.” I would always tell her, but I would always play.  We were inseparable and for a few years we were young and innocent.

            When I was sixteen I got a job working at an ice cream shop.  I ended up quitting the job after one summer.  It was a good job, just not the type for me.  I hated the interaction I had with our customers and I was sure a few of my coworkers didn’t like me.  Sarah had gotten a job at a hardware store and frequently stopped by when she had a lunch break.  We would both get in trouble, me for talking to her too long and her for staying on break too long.  We didn’t care.  That summer she had gotten a boyfriend and was constantly bringing boys she knew to my work for me to meet.  She kept telling me she just wanted to double date but I knew she felt bad for me.

            That summer was also the summer Sarah had helped save me.  Although she had helped with my shyness a bit it still was a problem.  I like my job because it kept me busy and kept me from noticing my lack of friends.  Sarah realized this but never pointed it out.

            “Hey do you have an outfit to wear for when we go bowling this weekend” This girl wouldn’t take no for an answer.

            “I told you I’m not going, besides the girls you’re going with don’t know me.  It would just be awkward.” I didn’t look her in the eyes hoping she couldn’t tell how nervous I was.

            “Too bad, I already told them you were going, and they are super excited to meet you.  I will pick you up Saturday at four and if you need to go shopping before then call me.”  She walked away before I could protest, and before she could see the huge grin that was plastered on my face the rest of the day.  The rest of the year I became friends with the girls I went bowling with and Sarah invited me whenever they went out.

~~~

            I was able to see my mom today.  She was standing over me with tears in her eyes.  I wanted to speak with her but I was too weak.  I could only manage a small smile as she squeezed my hand.  I noticed my whole family around me, all wore a look of sadness.  I was glad they all visited me but they all had tears in their eyes and I couldn’t figure out why.  All of a sudden my mom broke down and my sister let out a cry.  My father looked away and his expression was heartbreaking.  Afraid, I looked around once again and saw Sarah standing in the same stained dress.  She looked at me sadly and held out her hand.  To my surprise, I had enough strength to grab it and I sat up.

            “Hey, are you coming shopping with us tomorrow?” I had been hunting down Sarah all day at school.

            “No.” She spoke without emotion and gave no explanation why she couldn’t come.  She began walking away and I followed.

            “There is a group of us going to see a movie Friday did you want to come then?” I tried once more.

            “Are we still getting together next Saturday to get ready for graduation?”  She didn’t look at me as she ducked into her class.   Later that day I confirmed the time we were going to get together to prepare for our graduation ceremony.  I was excited for my future and she seemed indifferent.

            When I arrived at Sarah’s the next Saturday no one answered my knock so I let myself in.  I took myself to the bathroom and turned on some music knowing that the house was empty besides Sarah and me.

            “I decided not to go to the movie last week.”  I shouted through the house thinking Sarah could hear me.  “The whole time during the shopping trip I felt like an outsider.  The girls and I have been growing apart since you stopped hanging out with us so I knew it would happen.”  The whole time Sarah had not replied and I got a little worried.  I went upstairs to her room to find the door to her balcony open.  I walked onto it and when I saw a broken rail I cautiously crept to the edge.  Lying crumpled on the ground I saw Sarah.

            “911 what’s your emergency?”

            “Yes, hello,” Breathed frantically as I flew down the stairs and out to the backyard. “My friend fell from a two story balcony.”

            “Is she conscious?”

            “No, No. There is a lot of blood; dear God please let her be alive.”

            “Ma’am, I have sent help I need you to remain calm.”

            “I don’t know what to do,” at this point I was sobbing and afraid to kneel next to Sarah’s body.

            “Stay calm.  Can you check to see if she is breathing?” I shook my head sobbing I realized that the lady on the phone couldn’t see me but I was unable to speak. 

“Miss, are you still there?” I let out a loud sob in reply.  I heard sirens coming closer and stop at the house.

“They're here.” I was barely able to choke out the words.
            “I have to go now then Miss.”  And the line went dead.

I stayed crouched on the ground crying as the paramedics rushed to help Sarah.  It wasn’t long before one came to me and began asking me questions.  I could hardly focus on him though because I was listening to the conversation in the background.

            “She’s so weak it could have killed her instantly.”

            “Yes, she’s so skinny and frail.  It’s possible she fainted and broke the railing.”

            “Were you able to contact her parents?”

            “Yes, they were getting ready for her high school graduation later today.”  I tuned out the conversation and looked back to the body on the ground.  She was wearing a white dress to go under her graduation gown, but it was stained with blood. 

            I was unable to help my best friend like she helped me.  I remembered why I had kept from coming home and why I had become so focused on my work.  And I remembered my best friend and why I hadn’t talked with her since graduation.